Thursday, June 16, 2011

Some open correspondence corresponding to my past few days here on Planet Earth.

Open Letter to The Stop Sign I Hit During My Driving Lesson On Tuesday,

Okay so. Looks like you can't take a 90 degree turn doing 45 mph. I knew that, but did you have make me learn it the hard way? Shoving my nose in it like a shameful basset hound to an ill-timed bowel movement on the carpet. My Dad said "we're going to be taking this sharp right, but its sharp so get ready." But this is my third time behind the wheel over a span of about 3 years; I'm not ready for sharp rights. So we took a kamikaze right, plowing into a flower bed and ripping you right out of the ground and dragging you several feet. Dogs barked in the distance. I almost threw up. I did cry a little. My Dad found it oddly humorous and seemed rather invigorated. Basically my Dad is an adrenaline junkie and I hate signage, and you taught me that, stop sign. Thanks ever so. PS I hate your stupid face.

Open Letter to Wolverine,

Dear Wolverine, specifically Hugh Jackman playing the part of Wolverine. I saw the new X Men movie last night, which prompted me to go home and rewatch the first X Men movie and now I am obsessed with you. I don't know, maybe its the chops, the adamantium, your devil-may-care attitude and tough exterior but I want in. I think we could be intensely happy together. Picture it: lazy sunday morning, you're making eggs and bacon, I'm sticking refrigerator magnets onto your skin and swilling mimosas before our afternoon romp. I honestly see no bad here. Plus I'd never need to buy another can opener again. NEXT STOP: MATRIMONY.

Open Letter to Anybody Who Likes Really Gross Books as Their Summer Reading,

Guys, I've been peddling this book for weeks but if this title applies to you you HAVE to read this:

Pedophiles, 12 year old ancient blood devouring monsters, a kid who wets himself compulsively, some gross murders, bodies showing up in the lake, general swedish angst, guys with melty faces that only have one eye, THE LIST GOES ON AND ON. It's incredible. If you don't mind reading about viscera while eating than this novel is for YOU, my friend.

Open Letter to Whoever Scheduled Me For Register Duty While This Free Beer Event is Happening At 7 PM Today,

Oh, touche, my good madam. Touche.


Jess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jess said...

my life = forever changed.